Anxiety and Fears as a Spoonie

October last year my world was changed when my best-friend died suddenly. One minute we were texting about Big Brother, the next I hadn't heard from her in 12 hours and her husband calls to say she's passed away. I am still grieving, still heartbroken and still lost. My heart is so sad. Grieving and chronic illness is hell. Not only for the flares the emotional hell of losing a loved one causes but for another long term anxiety that I'm now fixated on and absolutely terrified of- losing my Mum and Dad.

My Mum moved out of the house in 2012. She and Dad had been unhappy for a long time (Dad was incredibly unwell without us knowing- leading to him being a moody vegetable thanks to severe sleep apnea without a c-pap machine). Unfortunately Mum had an affair, I was the one who discovered it, and it all came out on Dad's birthday. It was traumatic. So so so traumatic. I felt I had ruined our family. As a child I had a re-occuring nightmare that Mum found another man and left me. So its a deep-seeded fear she would leave. I have NO idea why I would have that dream. I just did. But the after effects of this emotional trauma (as well as other emotional trauma and physical illness) I became sick.

As you all know being sick can make you feel very vulnerable. I may have been 26 when my parents separated but its made me feel like a child again- to not be able to look after myself properly, having people drive me places, cleaning my bedroom for me, etc. This vulnerability became worse when Sami passed away.

I find myself so worried about my Mum or Dad passing away. I am still trying to adjust to life without Sami- how the hell could I live without either of them? I rely on them for so much. I still live with Dad (in the house I've lived in since I was 4) and he does so much in the way of the house work and paying the bills- things that I could never do by myself. Mum takes me to the doctor every time I need to go and does all my errands for me. Losing either one of them would be like losing my safety blanket.

I often lay in bed worrying that I'll be all alone. It's probably something people who are getting older worry about- being elderly at home alone without any family to look after them. But I'm 27. I shouldnt be so concerned about this. I just can't get past it. I also pray for me to "go first". I can't imagine a life without my family. I couldn't do it. Without a support network I couldn't cope.

How do I get past this- I have no idea. Maybe this is part of the grieving process? Maybe its part of being a spoonie? Do any of you have similar anxieties or fears?

I haven't told anyone about this. I can't tell my Mum- she'd be SO upset if she knew. But I needed to pour it out. I think that some might relate. My whole life goal is to be able to share my story, help others feel less alone and spread awareness of issues that we face being chronically ill. Talking about issues we all think about but fear to say out loud.

Gentle hugs,
Bridget
xoxo