Hello my loves,
I have been posting a lot in the Bridget's Birthday Wish Facebook Event to raise awareness of chronic illnesses and to share my story. Originally the event was a way of me celebrating my 30th birthday in a meaningful way, but I soon learned it was an opportunity for so much more. It's inspired me to share more of myself and my daily struggles. I realised I'd hidden myself away on social media and wasn't sharing my life anymore in fear of people labelling me as "negative" and looking for pity. The event has re-ignited my passion for spreading awareness of how debilitating these chronic, invisible illnesses are, helping those who are newly sick to navigate their new world and helping families and friends learn how to best support their sick loved one.
A few days ago Kathryn asked:
"You said that 10, even 5 years ago, you would not have expected your life to be like this. Would you mind sharing a brief timeline, when things started to go wrong, when they got really bad, when you realised this might not be going away any time soon, and how you felt at all these stages?"
Originally I had written over four pages of my story answering this question. I realised by page four that no one is going to read a blog post that long, and I hadn't even gotten to the part where I was struck down by my illnesses in 2012. I've decided to continue writing my story out in the hopes of maybe one day turning it into a book. But for now let me try and answer Kathryn's question without rambling on.
I think I've always been sick but I've only realised that in the last few years . I truly believe it's in my genes. I never felt like a normal kid, and I certainly wasn't a normal teenager. At the age of 8 my teacher told my Mum concerns as I would always need to lay down after lunch. At the age of 15 I was suffering exhaustion and it was put down to my insulin resistance diagnosis. I barely went to school because simply getting ready for the day wiped me out. I will always remember this one day in particular that I had gotten ready for school and ended up laying on the floor being exhausted and wondering how the heck I could climb the mountain of completing a full day of school. Mum took one look at me and told me to go back to bed. Thats not a normal thing. A fifteen year old shouldn't be THAT tired. Looking back on it now I believe that maybe my fifteen year old self was suffering from a flare of M.E. and maybe my eight year old self was also having a flare.
From the ages of 20-25 I had a pretty decent time. I was still coming home and resting after work like I mentioned, but my newly found confidence from losing weight from my lapband was a natural high I was living off. In 2011 I took myself over to Europe for a 6 week holiday and managed pretty well with the crazy busy schedule. But I can say that as soon as I came back from that trip my entire life changed. I got back from Europe realising there was more to life. I quit my job to focus on my teaching degree and started tutoring children for experience in teaching older kids. I bought a new car, a new laptop and had a new relationship. I still have those first two, but the last one not so much! I rounded out 2011 feeling free and independent.
Then 2012 hit. THE year. The year I will never forget. The year that changed my life and me to the core.
A lot of personal emotional stuff happened during that year. I don't want to dive down that well in this post, but if I go ahead with sharing my full story later I will go back to that year and the hurt and betrayal I experienced. I do strongly believe that the emotional turmoil of 2012 highly contributed to me getting sick. It shattered me and caused a lot of trauma.
Physically it was bad also. My Lapband had slipped, causing me to aspirate onto my lungs. It took months for someone to finally diagnose that I had double cystic pneumonia- and it was bad. I spent months recovering at home, with nurses at my house pumping me full of I.V. antibiotics. The first five months of 2012 I spent with pneumonia and it had left me really drained. But it didn't end there. In the July I had my Lapband out. It had almost cost me my life and I was glad to get rid of it. The Lapband really screws up your metabolism so I knew that if I had my Lapband out I'd gain all the weight back. So in the September I had a gastric sleeve done. I'm going to do a seperate post on all of the weight loss surgery drama, but long story short instead of losing loads of weight after the sleeve, I gained. Turns out taking part of your stomach out REALLY wrecks your body.
So by the end of 2012 I'd had emotional trauma, physical trauma and two surgeries. And thats only where the chronic illness journey began. At the end of 2012/beginning of 2013 my body just gave up. I spent two weeks in bed unable to do anything. It was then that my life changed, even though I didn't realise it. I brushed it off for months, stupidly thinking it was just bad sinus (causing the headaches and fatigue) until about March 201. Mum and I will always remember the moment I said: "Mum, does sinus make your body ache?". With that began the journey of tests, diagnosis and finally answers as to why my body had overnight stopped functioning the way to used too. My doctor (he wasn't my doctor until after I was chronically ill) believes that the combination of everything in 2012 contributed to me getting chronically sick- especially as there are studies to link bacterial viruses to M.E. I truly think my body just couldn't handle anything else and my body broke. It was too stressed physically and emotionally and it couldn't handle it all.
I'm not sure if there was a moment I knew that things weren't ever going to be the same again. There was no dramatic moment, middle of the night realisation or crying episode. For me, the first 2-3 years were a haze that I don't remember much of. I accepted my new fate better then most people would've, and now I truly think that being chronically ill was something I knew I was all my life, and when I was finally diagnosed my life made a little more sense.
2017 has been a hard one for me so far. I'm turning 30 in August and I think for the first time since 2012 I've really focused on what I've lost. Maybe it has taken all this time for me to realise this isn't going away, that my life will always be different than I expected it to be. I've learnt this year that its ok to be sad and to recognise that this sucks. IT SUCKS. But the key is to move past that and create a life within the boundaries of my chronic illnesses.
I'm sure Kathryn didn't expect my long winded answer, but without her realising it she gave me the drive to write again. I'm looking forward to sharing myself more. To not let the comments get to me, and to hopefully raise awareness of chronic, invisible illnesses and help those living their lives with them.
Gentle hugs,
Bridget
Want to help me celebrate my 30th birthday? Come and join in the fun! Click the link below:
Bridget's Birthday Wish
I think I've always been sick but I've only realised that in the last few years . I truly believe it's in my genes. I never felt like a normal kid, and I certainly wasn't a normal teenager. At the age of 8 my teacher told my Mum concerns as I would always need to lay down after lunch. At the age of 15 I was suffering exhaustion and it was put down to my insulin resistance diagnosis. I barely went to school because simply getting ready for the day wiped me out. I will always remember this one day in particular that I had gotten ready for school and ended up laying on the floor being exhausted and wondering how the heck I could climb the mountain of completing a full day of school. Mum took one look at me and told me to go back to bed. Thats not a normal thing. A fifteen year old shouldn't be THAT tired. Looking back on it now I believe that maybe my fifteen year old self was suffering from a flare of M.E. and maybe my eight year old self was also having a flare.
From the ages of 20-25 I had a pretty decent time. I was still coming home and resting after work like I mentioned, but my newly found confidence from losing weight from my lapband was a natural high I was living off. In 2011 I took myself over to Europe for a 6 week holiday and managed pretty well with the crazy busy schedule. But I can say that as soon as I came back from that trip my entire life changed. I got back from Europe realising there was more to life. I quit my job to focus on my teaching degree and started tutoring children for experience in teaching older kids. I bought a new car, a new laptop and had a new relationship. I still have those first two, but the last one not so much! I rounded out 2011 feeling free and independent.
Then 2012 hit. THE year. The year I will never forget. The year that changed my life and me to the core.
A lot of personal emotional stuff happened during that year. I don't want to dive down that well in this post, but if I go ahead with sharing my full story later I will go back to that year and the hurt and betrayal I experienced. I do strongly believe that the emotional turmoil of 2012 highly contributed to me getting sick. It shattered me and caused a lot of trauma.
Physically it was bad also. My Lapband had slipped, causing me to aspirate onto my lungs. It took months for someone to finally diagnose that I had double cystic pneumonia- and it was bad. I spent months recovering at home, with nurses at my house pumping me full of I.V. antibiotics. The first five months of 2012 I spent with pneumonia and it had left me really drained. But it didn't end there. In the July I had my Lapband out. It had almost cost me my life and I was glad to get rid of it. The Lapband really screws up your metabolism so I knew that if I had my Lapband out I'd gain all the weight back. So in the September I had a gastric sleeve done. I'm going to do a seperate post on all of the weight loss surgery drama, but long story short instead of losing loads of weight after the sleeve, I gained. Turns out taking part of your stomach out REALLY wrecks your body.
So by the end of 2012 I'd had emotional trauma, physical trauma and two surgeries. And thats only where the chronic illness journey began. At the end of 2012/beginning of 2013 my body just gave up. I spent two weeks in bed unable to do anything. It was then that my life changed, even though I didn't realise it. I brushed it off for months, stupidly thinking it was just bad sinus (causing the headaches and fatigue) until about March 201. Mum and I will always remember the moment I said: "Mum, does sinus make your body ache?". With that began the journey of tests, diagnosis and finally answers as to why my body had overnight stopped functioning the way to used too. My doctor (he wasn't my doctor until after I was chronically ill) believes that the combination of everything in 2012 contributed to me getting chronically sick- especially as there are studies to link bacterial viruses to M.E. I truly think my body just couldn't handle anything else and my body broke. It was too stressed physically and emotionally and it couldn't handle it all.
I'm not sure if there was a moment I knew that things weren't ever going to be the same again. There was no dramatic moment, middle of the night realisation or crying episode. For me, the first 2-3 years were a haze that I don't remember much of. I accepted my new fate better then most people would've, and now I truly think that being chronically ill was something I knew I was all my life, and when I was finally diagnosed my life made a little more sense.
2017 has been a hard one for me so far. I'm turning 30 in August and I think for the first time since 2012 I've really focused on what I've lost. Maybe it has taken all this time for me to realise this isn't going away, that my life will always be different than I expected it to be. I've learnt this year that its ok to be sad and to recognise that this sucks. IT SUCKS. But the key is to move past that and create a life within the boundaries of my chronic illnesses.
I'm sure Kathryn didn't expect my long winded answer, but without her realising it she gave me the drive to write again. I'm looking forward to sharing myself more. To not let the comments get to me, and to hopefully raise awareness of chronic, invisible illnesses and help those living their lives with them.
Gentle hugs,
Bridget
Want to help me celebrate my 30th birthday? Come and join in the fun! Click the link below:
Bridget's Birthday Wish
